How to Tell If You Have Relationship Anxiety

Relationship anxiety rears its stubborn and untrusting head at some point in relationships. Hardly ever does a relationship develop without a sense of worry.

Grieving singledom, scarcity mindset, and relational triggers can happen in romantic, familial, and platonic relationships. So if anxiety can impact a relationship at any time, when does it become relationship anxiety?

Symptoms

Relationships can cause anxiety; sometimes, this is healthy and necessary to move the relationship in the desired direction. But you likely have relationship anxiety when anxiety looks like a loss of self, low self-esteem, and insecurity. You may encounter panic, obsessive thoughts, and a feeling of doom. Additionally, changes to your appetite and sleep are both causes of anxious thoughts and symptoms. So, if this seems familiar, you may ask yourself why this is happening in your relationship.

Expectations

If anxiety is the worry of the future, relationship anxiety is the worry of a future relational event. You may be experiencing a great start to a relationship only to find anxiety builds once you and your partner make it official. Or, you may have a tremendous phone-call-based relationship with your brother, only to have debilitating anxiety when you’re around him in person. Relational events, or expectations, can increase our anxiety when the expectation is not met.

Patterns

Expectations are not the only reason you may be winding up anxious. When a wave of anxiety hits, it hits the same. Many describe independent experiences of anxious thoughts, worrying, paralysis, and physical symptoms. Anxiety sucks, and it’s highly subjective. This is because the feelings, emotions, and triggering situations that lead to anxiety travel through our minds on neuropathways. The more our brain is primed with a particular outcome, the more it jumps to conclusions to get us there faster. Efficient but not always appropriate.

Relational Trauma

While everyone has neuropathways that can expedite anxiety, some experience relational traumas such as abandonment, humiliation, or abuse. These boundary violations are severe and can upend the way you cope. When your anxiety comes from a profound violation from past relationships, understand that this requires a two-truth system. The first truth is this: You deserve safety in all relationships. And the second truth is this: Even if you understand and logically agree with the first truth, your body may not be completely healed. Both can be true.

Attachment

Finally, professionals agree that early relationships have lasting impacts on people. This theory is called attachment theory. Attachment explains that caregivers must meet their babies’ needs 30% of the time to create secure bonds. Founders of this theory say that “good enough” parenting allows children to thrive. However, when basic needs aren’t met, a baby adopts a method to get their needs met. This may look anxious, avoidant, or disorganized. These attachment styles are often replicated in close friendships and romantic relationships later in life.

So, what can be done, you’re wondering?

First and foremost, your mind is not static. It can rewire, reprocess, and heal. You should start by loading your resource list with coping skills like deep relaxation and aromatherapy. From there, turning inward to explore your relational past may provide a list of exceptions you can use to challenge unproductive beliefs. But suppose you resonated with relational trauma or attachment wound violations. In that case, your best bet is to find a clinician who can work closely to attune to your needs.

Remember, if your relationship anxiety is paired with intimate partner violence or abusive family patterns, seek help immediately. Your safety is of greatest concern, and no number of coping skills can replace a professional’s ability to secure your safety plan. Reach out to us to learn more about relationship therapy.